I'm always wrapped up in things I can not win

I have been a bit depressed and mostly that's why I haven't really bothered to write anything down and commit it to words. I have been interviewing and not getting hired for some time now. It's truly daunting to not be wanted. What is more upsetting is that I don't really know why I'm not wanted. Is it my resume? Is it something I said in the interview? Did I not dress right? Am I too fat? Not pretty enough? Is it my lack of coaching ability for sports teams? Did the interviewer not like my perfume? If they would just tell me I'd fix it. Sometimes it's extremely hard not to take it personally and let it get to me. The other day I burst into tears over something really stupid because I didn't get another job. I feel so silly all the time. Like now I can just sit here writing away and the tears just slowly roll out of my eyes and I just don't even feel like wiping them away because I know they are just going to come back again until I'm finished. The words 'failure' and 'slacker' spring to mind daily. I want more. I need more. It's humiliating.

I'm not whining for attention. In fact no one really knows how upset I am. I feel that for the most part it's best to keep that to myself because no one can really help me and knowing is only going to upset someone else. Don't misunderstand. I'm not going to haul off and kill myself. I do have a plan. It's just not the plan I want. I must have really fucked up in my past. Apparently I'm still paying for a mistake that I can't account for. I got a call to get my old job back for this school year. I said yes. There was also some talk about me teaching the English class as well. I could do that. All I need is a book and a few hours a day to plan. I am also going to talk to the Veterinarian's office and see if I can swing a few days there and then reactivate my application for the sub list. It's the best I can do. I figure if I can work about 3 to 4 jobs a week then I should be able to make enough to save and if I get so lucky to get a job next year I will be ahead on my rent. Or maybe I'll have enough for a down payment for a house instead. At least it's a plan. I will not lie and say that this isn't depressing but I plan on working my ass off. I don't care where as long as I'm not flipping burgers or asking what someone would like to drink. Fuck waiting on people. I don't like them well enough for that crap. Also the bonus is I'm not cute enough for tips.

Ahh that rant / bitch is off now. I have some serious catching up to do with my weight loss progress. I lost 1lb last week. It's down at least. I need to exercise more. I have been too down to do that. Enough feeling sorry for myself.

My stables changed management last week. I fucking HATE change. Especially when it comes to the care of my horse. I have a HUGE rant saved about this development but I will save it for another time because I just don't feel like getting all pissed off about it again. I'm pissed enough about it daily.

I spent today at a horse show just to get out and do some thinking without any major interruption. Yeah I know a horse show isn't a quite place to think but I wanted to get some sun and smoke and just be. I helped some people from the stables so I was busy. I am to the point where I'd rather groom and just chill then compete. I could give a rats ass about that right now. Anyway I need to wrap this up, I have a killer sunburn and I just feel like chillin'. Whew... update done. Finally.